Tuesday 13 May 2008

My personal statment

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes and Rischard and Judys 10 grand twice.

Last summer, I toured England with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
lol if that didnt make you smile you are in need of prozac my friend.

A piece from Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:

When the Deep Thought computer was about to compute the Answer to Life,
the Universe and Everything (later found to be "42"), representatives of
the National Union of Philosophers, Luminaries and other Thinking Persons"
demanded that it stop... or else there would be a national philosophers'
strike.

Deep Thought responded: "And whom would that inconvenience?"
Brilliant

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