Thursday, 22 January 2009

British Gas to let you eat.

BRITISH Gas has agreed to leave you just enough money so you can eat.
The energy giant is to cut its prices after a drop-off in demand was linked to an increasing number of its customers starving to death.
Now the company has pledged to reduce tariffs to the point where consumers can afford just enough food to continue to live while spending the rest of their meagre incomes on gas and electricity.
A spokesman said: "This winter an increasing number of people have had to choose between freezing to death and starving to death. You're absolutely no use to us dead.
At least until we're allowed to burn corpses instead of coal."He added: "In these difficult times our challenge is to set prices which create that happy medium somewhere between hypothermia and having just enough energy to switch on the oven.
"The company is also publishing a series of tips and hints on energy efficient cooking in its new booklet Pressure Cookers Give You Cancer.

Tips include:* Raw vegetables are deadly. Use the biggest pan you have, filled to the brim with water.* Cook huge joints of meat. Cutting it into smaller pieces means it will cook too fast and you will die of vomiting.* To prevent deadly food poisoning always leave the oven on for at least an hour after you have eaten. * Always boil water on the hob. Every year kettles kill more than 500,000 people exactly like you.Elizabeth Bradford, 67, from Dorchester, said:

"Once again I shall taste the sweet nectar of Asda Smart Price cream of tomato. Thank you British Gas. I love you."

Thursday, 8 January 2009

QuanTITative easing


So the chancellor is denying getting the printing presses up and running although he did say they are considering a policy of quantitative easing
here's what quantitative easing means
from WIKI


Quantitative easing is a tool of monetary policy. It effectively means that the central bank prints new money, in order to increase the supply of money. 'Quantitative' refers to the money supply; 'easing' essentially means increasing.
Quantitative easing was used notably by the Bank of Japan (BOJ) to fight domestic deflation in the early 2000s. More recently during the global financial crisis of 2008, policies announced by the US Federal Reserve under Ben Bernanke to counter the effects of the crisis have been likened to quantitative easing coupled with the issuance of new debt on the US federal balance sheet.[1][2]
In Japan's case, the BOJ had been maintaining short-term interest rates at close to their minimum attainable zero values since 1999. With quantitative easing, it flooded commercial banks with excess liquidity to promote private lending, leaving them with large stocks of excess reserves, and therefore little risk of a liquidity shortage.[3] The BOJ accomplished this by buying more government bonds than would be required to set the interest rate to zero. It also bought asset-backed securities, equities, and extended the terms of its commercial paper purchasing operation. [4] Despite Japan's sustained near zero interest rates, the quantitative easing strategy did not succeed in stopping price deflation.[5]:11

heres an amusing article from the bullion vault By Adrian Ash Created 6 Jan 2009 - 09:11

Live from the Federal Reserve. You may find some scenes dis-comforting...
- WHAT on earth...?
- Sorry, if you could just keep turned to the wall...
- But what in the hell is that?!
- This? Why, it's the...ummm...it's the Easer!
- The what?
- The Easer. You know, for the Quantitative Easing. Now, if you could just keep facing the wall for me...
- Does it really have to be so big? Jeez, it looks...it looks medieval...
- Aw, but this is state of the art. Ground-breaking, in fact! And you are a very sick man, as we discussed. The blood-tests would prove it...if only we had time to wait for the lab to come back with the results.
- I don't know about this, doctor. I'm feeling kinda bloated already...
- Precisely the problem, my good man! If you were up-to-par today, you'd be feeling ravenous...gobbling down whatever slop the clinic's canteen was serving. But since you can't stomach any more down the usual route, then we'll just have to go in...well...go in the other way, as we doctors call it. You see the logic, of course.
- Hmm, I guess. But this Quantitive Easing...How does it work exactly?
- It's not quantitive, it's Quanti-tay-tive....and you must forgive me, but explaining this to a layman – even a smart guy like you, and a guy with such deep pockets too – really would take too long. We need to cut to the chase, see. There's not a moment to lose. Besides, I'm due on the golf course at three...
- There's really no other option?
- In technical terms, you should be dead by now. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that you aren't already...
- Can't we run through the alternatives first?
- The alternatives?! Look, I spoke with my colleague Dr. Paulson over at the renowned Washington Clinic across the street. I checked with Dr. King at the Threadneedle Clinic in London...y'know, just off Harley Street? Then I called Dr. Roth's team in Switzerland...Hell, I even rang the Chinese, just to see if there wasn't something I might be missing with tigers feet or panda roots or such like! But they all agreed. You need a mega-dose of quantit̩ Рand quick...
- A mega-dose of what?
- Of quantité. Y'know, from the French. As in Quantitative Easing. As in the treatment you've come for...to get your quantité eased...
- So this procedure is French?
- What's with all the questions? You're not here from 60 Minutes are you? I already got Dr. Paulson to sign the consent form for you. So if you could just face the wall, we can get started, and then I can hand you over to Dr. Obama's after-care clinic...
- I simply want to know what's happening...
- Jeez, okay, okay. The treatment was perfected in Japan about a decade ago. Y'know...shiatsu, Shiseido, ground wasabi, all that mineral extract stuff. Hell, you could walk of here today with the clear complexion of a Tokyo school girl! Well, maybe not walk exactly. Not today...- But will it work, doctor?- Work? You just saw the size of The Easer, right? Thing is, the Japanese applied too little, too late. My analysis proves it...or rather, it would prove it...if only we could roll back the clock like I've rewound the US to the 1930s. But see, during the Depression, the clinical consensus for unblocking pipe-work was a diet of liquids and liquidation. Crazy, ain't it?! And in Japan, it was like 10 years before Tokyo dared to use The Easer. That's why the effect was so muted.
- Hang on...You mean Quantitative Easing has never actually cured anyone?
- Not in practice, no. But in theory? This is cutting edge. You're gonna make history! Really, this thing works magic. On my econometric models, it's already prevented the Great Depression and Japan's Lost Decade, too...
- You just said that it failed in Japan...
- Only in reality...
- Are you sure you know what you're doing? Are you even qualified?
- See that certificate on the wall up there?
- Graduate of Spring Break, 1978...?
- Just look at that gilt frame! See the workmanship...? Look hard now...keep looking...keep looking...and away...she...goes...!
- HEY! Now just hold on, Doctor Bernanke! I really am feeling much better today. Just a little run down, you know? And bloated, like I said. So I just can't see how yet more of your easing is going to help. I mean, Dr. Greenspan swore blind we were all done with ease and easing and easy after four years of the damn stuff back in 2005. But now look at me! Swollen and flabby...and with more gas than Russia. Really, all I think I need is a rest...
- A rest?! In your condition?! You'd freeze up entirely, man! Your entire Liboric system could shut down...
- My what?
- Your Liboric system. It could shut down. Entirely.
- You guys make it all sound so complicated...
- Aw, c'mon – just look at The Easer! You think this is rocket science?
- Looks more like a giant turkey baster...
- That's the spirit! I've always preferred goose, myself...Anyways, if you could just relax for me. Trust me, this will be so much easier if you just try to forget what's actually happening.
- That's what Dr. Greenspan said...